Merry Christmas 2009

As the sun goes down on this Christmas Day I give thanks to God for everything. This is the 3rd Christmas without my husband and I am doing surprisingly well. My daughter is at her dad's house this Christmas. She has been there since Sunday night. I get her on even years, he gets her on odd years. You would think after 11 years of this that I would be used to it by now BUT... I miss her like crazy and I can't wait until she gets back this Sunday evening. Even though the loves of my life were not here with me on this Christmas day I am doing OK. I had an OK day today. I spent the day with my family at my lil brother's new house they bought this past April in Garden Grove, CA. I got an awesome gift from my mom, a juicer!!!!!! Now I can make all the best fresh juice's I love to get from Jamba Juice and the store for a fraction of the price. But to me Christmas is not about gift giving. It's more about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. I even went to church last night for the Christmas Eve candle light service. It was okay. The only thing that made me sad was that this was the church that I was married in and the church that my husband was baptized in. I could see my husband in his white gown being baptized all over again. It was sad. Anyways all in all I had a good day. My mom wrote me the sweetest note this morning saying that my husband would not of wanted me to be sad and depressed today or ever, that he would of wanted me to be happy and have a very Merry Christmas. I truly believe this. I love my mom very much!!!!! =) So Merry Christmas to you all and to all a good NIGHT!!!!!!

God Bless =)

YES.....

I'm down 20 pounds since I started my diet on August 21, 2009. I'm so happy!!!!!!!!

WOW.......

I weighed myself this morning and to my surprise I weigh 238 pounds. That's 17 pounds down from 255. YES!!!!!!! I'm on my way. I'm sick though. I have a bad cold and flu bug. My throat is killing me and I have a congested cough. YUCK!!!!

Gonna go lay down. I feel like crap. Have a great Sunday reader.

=)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

PS: I dreamed that AFI played right in my back yard last night. Everyone came out to see them. People where on the roof, in trees, all over and I had the best band in the world performing in MY backyard. I wish dreams came true. If you are reading this Shy Boys Win, Hint-Hint, hahahahahahaha, lol. Come to Long Beach when you are done touring okay!!!! Bring the rest of the band or just you could come alone and just play for us, that would be a dream come true as well!!!!!

Down 12.5 pounds....

I was down 15 pounds but I gained 3 1/2 pounds to make it 12 1/2 pounds down from where I started 3 months ago. I have been losing 4lbs a month. I think it was all the candy & boysenberry pie I ate over the Halloween weekend. I love free Halloween candy. We went out to Polly's Pies on Saturday and they were having a pie special, any whole pie for only $4.99. So instead of just getting individual slices of pie, which would of been like $3.00 a slice, we got a whole Boysenberry pie and I had one piece on Saturday and one on Sunday. I have been trying to cut back on eating meat because I do believe in the cruelity to animals cause. I think that the liquid diet was making me sick. My body needed much more calories and stuff to function. My back is feeling good today and I am back to detoxing from my meds. Turns out I don't have any health insurance right now so my appointment on Friday was officially cancelled. Oh well, right now I am doing good. That's all I can ask for.

I was cleaning out my e-mail inbox and I found this Eulogy written by my husband's nephew Michael. He wrote it and read it at the funeral and I would like to share it with all of you Readers, if there are any, lol. Here it is....ENJOY!!!!!!

*********************************************************************************
There is a quote that says “Seeing death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean.”We must not think of death as the end, but merely as an entrance to a place that is unknown to human beings. Death is the beginning of a separate journey and a new kind of life.

James Edward Ludwig was born on October 16, 1962 in San Pedro to Richard and Mary Ludwig. He weighed in at a hefty 11 pounds 3 ounces and left us a couple of biscuits shy of 3 bills. Jim attended Holy Trinity Elementary School and thereafter matriculated to Mary Star High School were he graduated in 1981. Once he completed his education, Uncle Jim decided that he wanted to enter law enforcement and follow his desires as he entered the Rio Hondo Police Academy. On December 17, 1984, he was hired by the Huntington Park Police Department where he served the community for several years before retiring due to an injury. As soon as he could, Jim put himself back to work and did some office and computer wiring with his brother-in-law, and for a short time did some work for Dr. Dre before all of his medical problems surfaced at which point he concentrated on his family. Uncle Jim passed away early on New Year’s Day and is survived by his devoted wife, Melissa, who gave her time unconditionally; his three children, Lindsey, James Jr, and Brandon; and his step-daughter, Natalie.

Uncle Jim was never a quitter: He struggled hard in school, in the police academy, and just struggled hard in life. His life was no cup of tea, as many of you well know. He had many operations, he spend a lot of time in and out of hospitals. Actually, he had little enjoyment of life except for the love of his family. He had twenty years of suffering with different ailments and it was always something that doctors never heard of or diseases that no body ever knew about. But, he always came up smiling. His word to my grandmother since she has become ill were “Mom, just keep up the good work and do it one day at a time because all we have is today. We don’t know about tomorrow and yesterday is too late to count.”

Uncle Jim worked very hard when he was young as far as schoolwork and football--he worked hard for his coach and his team. He was always a fighter. He was small, but no matter how big someone else was, he was out there fighting and ready to take on the world, whoever it might be--whether it was his brothers, or his grandfather--but he dare not take on Meema or Papa Lud because he knew what he would have coming to him if he disrespected them. While school work never came easy, his work as a police officer made the entire family proud.

There is no better way to celebrate someone’s life than to share stories that bring a smile to your face So I will tell you a few stories about Uncle Jim:

Uncle Jim and his brother John were really hungry one night (any surprise there?) and they wanted to get a bite to eat at Jack in the Box. Unbeknownst to them, the employees at the restaurant were students at San Pedro High School and refused to serve these two strapping Mary Star Stars. They told Jim and John to “ go get your bigger brother Richard if you think you can do something and then we might serve you.” So they came home and got Uncle Richard (who was glad to help intimidate as it further fueled his ego), and headed over to Jack in the Box and as Uncle Richard so eloquently put it, “We tore the Jack in the Box apart!” One of the employees came out with a baseball bat in an attempt to blindside Uncle Richard, but he ended up knocking the employee out. But the story ended happily, as they were all able to get their jumbo jack’s.

Jim was always a little bit of a rebel, and he always did his own thing, but that was Jim, and the family always understood that. They accepted him for that, and that was one of the things that made him special.

Meema Ludwig’s dad, Papa Ogle, was at the house for about two years. The doctor told him that if he wanted to stay around for a long time, he needed to be stimulated. And there was never a lack of stimulation in the Ludwig household, especially with uncle Jim around. Because Papa was blind with glaucoma, the boys used to play tricks on him.
Everyday, Papa Ogle would get his tea cup out, put in the tea bag, and stir it up, waiting to drink it. As he would try to slurp the tea off the spoon, unbeknownst to him, Uncle Jim had already blown it off the spoon. Papa Ogle would put an empty spoon in his mouth time after time after time. When Papa Ogle finally had enough, he would tell Jim, “That’s it, we’re going at it tonight..Mary! Move the furniture cause I’m gonna kick Jim’s butt tonight!”

Another time, Uncle Richard was taking Papa Ogle to the shower to get him cleaned off. So Uncle Rich got Papa out of bed, and was walking behind him, and Papa thought Rich was Jim. Because of that, he tried to punch Uncle Rich in the area of a male where the sun don’t shine. Uncle Rich said to him “What do you think you’re doing Pops?!” to which he replied “Oh sorry, I thought you were Jim.”
That was the kind of relationship Jim had with almost every member of the family at one point or another.

Uncle Jim loved his 55 Chevy which was a pile of junk when he bought it for 500 dollars. He spent every penny he earned on that car and painted it a slick metallic blue. Because of this, Jim had to race everyone in town to show them that he had a hot rod. Wednesday night was cruise night on western and he was always pulled over by the sheriffs for one reason or another--whether it was tinted windows, or too shiny of a bumper (By the way, Papa Lud didn’t know anything about these encounters with the police). But as soon as he paid the ticket, he put something else on the 55. So Meemer was so glad when the car got stolen so she didn’t have to rescue him in the middle of the night.

There will be no need to save Uncle Jim anymore because he is resting peacefully now, for the first time in a long time. I wear this yellow LIVESTRONG bracelet everyday not only to show my support for those who are fighting cancer, but because it is a daily reminder to me that I need to LIVESTRONG. I must live my life to it fullest, and be thankful for each day, because I do not know what the next day hold. Uncle Jim Live Strong. He lived his life as best as he could. He worked hard, he fought hard, and he loved his family endlessly. The same should go for all of you. Do not take this day for granted because you never know when it will be your last.

At this time, on behalf of my grandparents, mother, and uncles, I would like to thank all of you for your generosity and thoughtfulness through you cards, flowers, and food. Thank you all so much, we are truly blessed to have friends like all of you.

OUCH.....

My back is hurting so bad this morning. I woke up and had to take extra pain meds. It's been tough detoxing from these pain meds. I don't know if I can do it. I'm in a lot of pain today. I get my health insurance back on the 1st of November. I might have to go back on pain meds. Who knows. As for my diet, forget being a Vegetarian. I can't do it. I kept waking up in the morning with no energy. It made me sick. I needed the protein from the meat that I was so used to getting back in my diet. So I am back to eating meat. I ate an In & Out cheeseburger last night and it was so freaking good. I am still down 10 pounds. Anyways, I'm going to watch last night's episode of Dexter right after I finish this pointless blog. I just felt like blogging this morning to keep my mind off this freaking back pain. This season is so good so far. I tivo'd it last night cause my daughter had homework and the TV was distracting her. My poor baby. She didn't finish all her homework until midnight last night. That's how much homework she had. She's not in regular honors classes she is in Advanced Honors. All her classes are AP/SAS. They are preparing her for a 4 year college already and she is only in the 6th grade. How did my little girl get to be so smart. I am so proud of her. To top it all off she got picked out of 25 girls to be on a special drill team that is going to perform in Tokyo, Japan 東京 next summer August 2010. I get to go with her. I'm so excited and so proud of my lil girl. She is doing so good in drill team. They get to perform in Hawaii in April 2010. So I get to do some traveling next year. I can't wait. I have never been out of the country. Except for Vancouver, Canada in 2006 but that was only for like 12 hours then we had to leave and fly to LAX. That was part of our cruise. We took a cruise from San Pedro, California to Astoria, Oregon and then onto Vancouver, Canada and flew back to LAX on Air Canada. It was fun but I have always wanted to travel to a foreign and exotic location and Japan has been on that list for some time now. I can't wait!!! So anyways READER have a Happy Monday. I'm off to watch Dexter now. Until next time, Sayonara =)

OMG......

So much for being a Vegetarian. My dad went out to dinner with my brother tonight and brought home the most delicious left overs in the world. They went to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse in Orange County and I ate a slice of my dad's steak. First of all it was like cutting through butter. It was so good, but I feel bad though =( I so wish my actions were like a DVR. I could just hit the rewind button and just eat the bread and asparagus and then hit the live button, hahhaha, lol. But I feel so damn guilty. I guess I'm trying to be something that I'm not. Maybe I'm meant to eat meat. I am 1/4 American Indian from the Black Foot Tribe in Browning, Montana. I am so confused. I was so hungry about 1/2 hour ago. The good news is, is that I lost another 3lbs. That makes a grand total of 15lbs so far. Good Night READER =(

VERONICA SAWYER SMOKES........

I love that song by AFI on their new album "Crash Love" It is my favorite so far. BTW, I have lost 12 pounds. I am basically on a liquid diet right now. Protein shakes and stuff. I still haven't eaten meat, going on 2 months very soon. Fruits and Veggies are my best friends, but in juice form for now =) and I am detoxing, all by myself, from all my pain meds. I do not want to die like Anna Nicole Smith, Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson or DJ A.M. I am basically taking the same powerful pain meds at high doses they all have taken and O.D'd on. I have a little girl to raise and she is the most important person in my life. I will deal with my back pain through mediation and homeopathic remedies if I need to. But the last procedure I had on my back was a success. Have a great Thursday READER =)

FUCK.........

Dieting it SUCKS!!!! Happy Sunday everyone =)

Mad Women throws 30 Rocks at Tina Fey, LOL....

Awards season has officially started and I am already disappointed. The season kicked off with the Primetime Emmy's. It was a good show and Neil Patrick Harris did a good job hosting the show but damn it I am a Mad Women because my beloved show "Dexter" lost yet again to "Mad Men" and "30 Rock" wins every freaking year for almost everything. I have never seen an episode of "30 Rock" cause I don't really care for Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey or Tracy Morgan, especially Tracy Morgan. He is just so freaking annoying to me!! Oh well at least Toni Collette beat Tina Fey in Best Actress in a Comedy. I loved Toni Collette in "Untied States of Tara", she was so funny in that show. I was really rooting for her to win and she did. When is my beloved Michael C. Hall going to win for "Dexter" and when is my beloved show "Dexter" going to win for Best Drama Series???? Maybe 2010 will be all things Dexter. I can't wait for the Season 4 premiere this Sunday September 27, 2009 at 9:00pm on Showtime. I leave you with the trailer of all trailers....Season 4 of "Dexter". You better watch it. This season is going to be so GOOD!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!! ENJOY:

I LOST........

6 LBS so far. I am a VEGETARIAN now. I gave up eating meat and I only drink Soy Milk. I have to say that Silk vanilla flavored soy milk and Boca gardenburgers are really good. There are some really good vegetarian foods out there. Though I am not losing the wieght as fast I want to, I am losing it and that is all that matters. Turns out I'm not getting my tattoo for my birthday after all. It's way to expensive. I would rather spend that money on my daughter. Love you all!!!!!

It's OFFICIAL.....

I am on a diet. I started said diet yesterday morning.

1. Friday August 21, 2009 is the start date.
2. Weigh in= 255 lbs
3. I need to lose that 55 lbs in 6 weeks by October 1, 2009

I know what you might be thinking, that there is no way in hell I could lose 55 lbs in 6 weeks. Well, I am going to try cause on October 1st, 2009 I am getting my Family Crest tattoo done by Dan Under-Smith, singer of the band The Dear & Departed and the best tattoo artist this side of West Hollywood. He works at High Voltage tattoo shop, owned by the beautiful Miss Kat Von D and home to the hit TLC show "LA INK". I am sooooo excited to finally be getting this tattoo. I have wanted it for 2 years now and never could muster up the courage to make an appointment. So with the help of my dear friend Rochelle, who has gotten tattooed by Dan many, many times before, we are getting tattooed on October 1st. Which is both of ours 36th birthday. We share the same birthday and a lot of other things in common. So I will blog about my progress each week. WISH ME LUCK GUYS & DOLLS!!!!

Here is what I am going to get tattooed on my right shoulder by Dan. This is my maiden name. My family's crest!:


And, here is what I will get tattooed the next time Rochelle comes back out from Arizona by Dan on my left shoulder. This is my married name, a tribute to my husband who past away 1-1-07.:


EVENTUALLY, these are the other tattoos I want done by Dan:



"I want this on the nape of the back of my neck"


"I want this one on the inside of my forearm"


"And, I want this one on the tops of each of my feet"

I can't wait, I can't wait for.....

for a very important date (March 5, 2010) to see Tim Burtons "Alice in Wonderland"

Tim Burton’s “Alice In Wonderland” TRAILER

I know I am a bit cheesy. But Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, YES PLEASE!!!!!!

OMFG!!!!

I just weighed myself this morning and I weigh 255 lbs, YIKES.

Note to those of you who read my blogs and are thinking of getting on any kind of antidepressant's that treat low serotonin levels such as Zoloft, Paxil, etc.....prepare for weight gain. I crave sweets like crazy. Mostly cake and cupcake type sweets and recently butter pecan ice cream, yummy!. I am not making any excuses for my recent weight gain because I know it is my fault as well for eating late at night and all the sweets but those types of antidepressants tend to cause you to gain a lot of weight. They do cause you to crave sweets.

Last year at this time I was down to 180 lbs. I only had 30 more lbs to lose to get to my normal weight of 150 lbs. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am now on 3 different antidepressants. Hopefully they will do their job and help me with my depression and not cause any more weight gain. It's kind of a catch 22 with antidepressants. You get on them to help with your sad, blue moods and depression and it helps but then you gain all this weight cause of the cravings and you are like fuck, I'm fat and you get depressed about that. It's weird to me. Well I think I will go eat breakfast now: Yogurt and granola and that's it!!!!!!!!!!!

My 4th of July....

This is basically how I spent my 4th of July. (Though this is not "ME" in this picture.) This is how I felt all day long. Natalie was at her dad's house like she always is during the summer and I just felt alone and depressed so I chose to stay in bed all day long and eat cake. I have been feeling very alone and depressed lately and I don't like it. Lately I have not been wanting to go anywhere, so I stay home. I don't feel safe or comfortable when I leave my house. I can pretty much go to the store or go through a drive through to get food but then I must hurry home and go straight to my bedroom. I feel safe in my room and comfortable but empty and alone inside. I don't even want to take a shower and change clothes. I feel awful. I thought that I was making progress with my depression but I guess not. Heartbreaking things have been going on with my close relationship with my brother. His wife wont allow me to have a relationship with him anymore, I can't talk to him, or go over to their new house. I haven't spoken to my brother in almost a month now. That has killed my heart. He is still to this day, one year later, going in and out of the hospital for his depression that I know for a fact is all being caused by his terrible devil of a wife. I dislike her so much right now. She is so immature for being 25. She is SATAN in disguise.

So anyways, this is how I spent my 4th of July, all curled up in bed with my cats =), the only things beside my daughter that keep me sane. I watched TV from dawn to dawn and never saw not one firework, not even a sparkler. How sad is my life right now =(

AND HERE IS MY BABY SLOTH.......

"I WISH, HAHAHA, LOL!!!!!!
LOOK HOW CUTE THIS LITTLE FELLER IS. I LOVE THIS PICTURE =)


"BABY DEXTER SLOTH"
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

YEP, I THINK THIS IS ABOUT RIGHT.........

"I want a baby SLOTH as a pet, lol. I shall name him Dexter =)"

♥ P.S I love You ♥

Dear Jimmy,

It's been exactly 2 1/2 years since you past away in my arms. I want to take this time to say I am so sorry for not being able to handle the situation better and give you the much needed CPR, that I was trained so many times to do. My mom keeps telling me that I am not in charge of life and death. Only God is and it was your time to go on that fateful day. I replay the events of January 1, 2007 over and over in my head every single day. I question what I could of done different if I would of just remained calm. What was I thinking? I am a god damn nurse trained in CPR for adults, children and infants. What I want to know is what killed you? This has been a big mystery that no one can solve. Was it a heart attack? Was is complications from pneumonia? Was is a stroke? I guess it doesn't matter. But I feel as if it was my fault that you died. I feel responsible because for 1 or 2 minutes I sat their on the bed yelling for mom. In that 2 minutes you were not breathing, nor did you have a pulse. Your eyes were dilated and had no life in them. I should of already given you the first 2 breathes of CPR. 911 was no help at all. It took the fire department, what seemed like 10 minutes to get to us and we live like 2 minutes from the fire station. You were flat lined even after several zaps of the paddles. I knew you were gone but they rushed you to the nearest ER anyway. I knew the second I looked into your eyes for dilation that you were gone. The life, the joy, the happiness, the hope, the excitement, the love that I once saw in your beautiful hazel eyes was gone. Your eyes were black.

I miss you so much my Jimmy Jim bear. When I first met you on November 30th 2000, you were full of life. You had a smile that went on for miles. You were bigger than life and all this came from a man that just had his leg amputated from below the knee, 1 month before. Most of my patients were cranky, drab individuals that hated everything about losing a limb. But not my Jimmy. You told me that day when I told you that I admired you for being so cheerful and positive, you said "This amputation was a blessing in disguise that gave me a reason to live again". You brought tears to my eyes. We connected that first day we met. Our eyes met one another and the rest is history. I do believe you are my soul mate Jimmy and I say "ARE" because I believe that your spirit lives on inside me. I still get butterflies in my tummy when I hear a song that we shared or I smell a scent that we loved or I see photographs of us doing all the things we loved to do before you got really sick =(. I feel your presence at times when I am at my most depressed down days when I can't control the tears not matter how hard I try, usually on a Friday night when Naty goes to her dad's house for the weekend and my mom goes to her church meeting and my dad is out doing his own thing with his AA friends and I am here all by myself. Believe it or not Jimmy, it's my own fault cause I wont let anyone in my life right now. I don't want friends around, cause I don't want to talk about you with others face to face. I can type about it and share this with the world but I won't talk about you to others.

Well my love I just wanted to write you a letter. Mainly to just get out some of this hurt and anger I feel out. I will love you forever. Until I see you again, my love, my life.

Love,

Your Wife,

Babe

PS: I love you =)

Oh Adam Lambert...

How I am going to miss your beautiful face gracing my television set each week. (*sigh*) The wrong person won American Idol last night. Everyone knows it. I absolutely love only 3 reality shows on TV, they are: America's Next Top Model, Dancing With The Stars and American Idol. I also love Project Runway but that show isn't coming on till August or something like that. Anyways, the person I wanted to win in all 3 shows lost. Of course, right =(

First off it was ANTM, I wanted Allison to win from day one cause she just had that look. She went from an awkward, shy little thing to a confident, beautiful model, who worked that run way in Brazil. But no, ugly, stupid Teyona won. I think it was racial motivated, why Teyona won. That's just my opinion =(

Next up it was DWTS, I wanted Cheryl Burke and Gilles Marini to win. I faithfully voted for them every Monday night. But they lost to crappy dancer Sean Johnson. That's all I have to say about that. I am furious with the outcome!!!!

Now my favorite contestant on AI lost to Kris Allen. That's okay, I'm certain we will be hearing a lot about Adam Lambert in the months to come. I know he will put out a killer album. It will go to number 1 on the charts and we wont even remember who Kris Allen was. Does anyone really know that much about the works of Ruben Studdard? I sure don't and he was an AI winner. I know more about Clay Aiken, lol.

Well at least I have Project Runway to look forward to.

Earthquake, Kitty Cats and Scared to Death....

So, we here in Southern California had a 5.0 earthquake at 8:40 pm last night and I screamed like a little baby for my mommy. I am so SERIOUS!

I was lying in bed watching America's Next Top Model, the very first season on the Oxygen network when about an hour before the earthquake my male cat Jackson, whom I have had since November, a friend of mine gave him to me shortly after Jewels "Ju-Ju" was killed by my neighbors dogs, started meowing like something was wrong with him. He kept going from the window to jumping on me while I was lying down. He wanted me to pet him excessively and was acting very strange. Fast forward to 8:40pm when the earthquake started and my poor Jackson jumped off of my bed to Natalie's bed and almost jumped out the window. He jumped on the screen of the window so hard I thought he was going to go through it, but he didn't, thank God. Instead he ran under the bed with Roxy my other kitty cat, who was already under there. Now I know why he was acting so strange. He sensed that the earthquake was coming and he was trying to warn me.

I needed more than a warning from my lil kitty cat Jackson to prepare me for what happens when I panic. When the earthquake started I felt a jolt and heard rumbling and that's when I stared to yell for my mommy. She ran in my bedroom and grabbed my arm and calmly told me to get into the doorway. I did as she said, but didn't let go of my mom for dear life. When the shaking stopped I started to cry really hard in panic cause Natalie was on her way home from her dad's house. I frantically started to call her step-mom, Monika's cell phone only to get several busy signals. So I decided to take a few deep breathes and sit down. My mom and I sat in the living room and turned on the news right away. Channel 9, which is K-Cal, was the only station to have any news of the earthquake. We found out that it was a 5.0 and centered in Hawthorne. Which is like 13 miles from Long Beach. I was a little bit calmer so I went into my room to check on my kitty's. They were both underneath my bed. Jackson, bless his heart, was licking Roxy on her head as to say, "It's gonna be okay". It was so precious. So my cats were okay, now I just needed to find out if my daughter was okay. I started to panic again and started to cry all over again. I was thinking the worse. I was thinking that on their way over to drop Naty off they felt the earthquake and got into a bad car accident. I started crying uncontrollably at this point. My mom came into the kitchen and hugged me to comfort me and said they probably didn't even feel the shaking on the freeway. I finally got a hold of Monika, and asked her if everything was okay and if they were on their way to drop Naty off and she said that everything was okay. That they didn't even feel the earthquake cause they were driving on the freeway, lol, just what my mom had said, right =) She was at home, she didn't accompany them on the ride over. She said she just got off the phone with David, Naty's father and everything was okay and that they would be here shortly.

I was so relived when David drove up. I hadn't been that happy to see him in a long time. I ran to the car and hugged Naty. She didn't even know what was going on. She didn't even feel the earthquake. We went inside and I showed her on the news what had just happened and she was so surprised. I was just so glad to have my daughter safe in my arms. My nerves are shot. Ever since my husband past away right in my arms I have not recovered from that. I don't fare well in crisis or high stressful situations anymore. My mom kept telling me that I need to try and stay calm for the sake of Natalie. She doesn't want me to scare her and I believe my mommy is so right.

=)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

See What's up!!

Pain, Pain...Go AWAY!!!!

So I found out that I don't have Fibromyalgia, which my new Pain Doctor doesn't even think I ever had it. I was told that I have a torn herniated disc at the T-5 level of my spine. That torn herniated disc is pressing on the nerves in my spine and sending shocking, stabbing, burning, pain to the center of my back and down to my bum and legs and to top it all off I have rheumatoid arthritis in my feet, legs and arms. My new pain doctor says that my old pain doctor mis-diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia and that what I have is definitely rheumatoid arthritis. What ever I have I am in FREAKING PAIN all day long now. I hurt all over these past few weeks. I wake up so stiff and hurting. Right now as I am typing this my legs and ankles are throbbing in pain. I often wonder what I did to deserve all this pain and then I realize that GOD doesn't inflict pain on people. We go through things like this for a reason and I know for a given fact that my weight is one of the key reasons why my knees, legs and feet hurt. I just felt like getting some of my frustrations out right now cause it is 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep once again. May you have a very Blessed Easter everyone reading this. God Bless!!!!

The FOG

I woke up this morning in a London Fog (no it's not from almost overdosing on Benedryl last night, lol) it is so foggy this morning in Long Beach. Okay so I didn't wake up in an actual London Fog(not the trench coat either, haha) it's more like a Long Beach Fog. But nontheless it is beautiful and I can dream I am in London can't I. This is one BEAUTIFUL morning. I am going to enjoy it while it last before Mr. Sunshine decides to ruin it for me. Thank goodness I have to be out and about this morning. YAY!!!!!!!

The Tudors

OMFG!!!! I CAN'T WAIT =) ..........

Spring Time

Fist off "HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY". Don't forget to wear green or risk getting pinched, lol.

A little bit ago I dropped off my lil girl at school and when we went outside this morning I felt and smelt in the air the aroma of Spring. I don't know how to explain this feeling, but I can feel and smell in the air when a new season is approaching. I am less then thrilled that Springtime is almost upon us because along with Spring comes my seasonal allergies, and warmer weather and sunshine which means having to wear cooler clothes and I hate wearing cooler clothes. I love the winter and cold weather and overcast grey skies and rain and being bundled up in pants and sweaters and my peacoat. It just suits me better. Man I wish I could move to London today. The only thing I do love about Spring is Easter Sunday. I love going to church on this day and thanking my Lord and Saviour for dieing on the cross and rising for ME!!!! (Plus I love the See's Easter egg my mom always gets us for Easter, delicious.) But, I haven't been the best Christian I can be for the past 2 years. I haven't given up anything for lent and It's really hard for me to go to church on Sunday's and sit in the pews of the Church my husband and I use to attend. I have been to church about 3 times since my husband passed and every time I go I am consumed with way to many sad emotions and thoughts of how much my husband would love to go to church and learn. He grew up a strict Catholic and converted to Christianity when we got married. But anyways, Spring is on it's way and I am already experiencing my seasonal allergies. Hello Zyrtec and Benedryl and nose spray and lot's and lot's of soft, soft Kleenex. Happy Spring readers!!!!!!!

Kiki Renee` Hudgins-Ludwig 1993-2009

It has taken me all day to get on my computer and finally write about losing my beloved Kiki yesterday. She was my constant, faithful, reliable, and beautiful kitty cat of 16 years. She passed away yesterday March 5, 2009 at 2:22am after losing her battle to kidney failure due to old age. She was 16 years old but in cat years she was 112, lol.

I first brought Kiki home in May of 1993. It was Mother's Day and I was 20 years old. My mom and dad's neighbor were remolding their house and one of the workers who was working on the house brought a box of kittens and just left them there on their porch when the work was finished. So at the time my little brother Anthony was friends with our neighbors boys and he asked us if we wanted a kitten. I immediately jumped up and ran to the kitten box and picked the most cutest little kitty of the whole bunch. She was gray and white and fluffy. I was once told she looked like a mixture of a Main Coon and Domestic Short hair cat. I was overjoyed with love. At first I named her Misty Grey cause of her color but changed it to Kiki cause I was always saying, "come here kitty kitty kiki poo". She just looked like a Kiki to me =)

My beloved Kiki has been by my side through thick and thin, through house moves, marriages, birth of Natalie, divorce, and death. She had here own litter of kittens when she was 2 years old cause mommy let her outside one day and she disappeared for 24 driving mommy crazy with fear and panic but eventually she came home and we soon found out she was pregnant. She gave birth to only three kittens in March of 1995. I was the proud grandma coaching her through labor and delivery. She did an excellent job!!!!! I kept one of her kittens and named her Squeeky cause when she meowed she squeeked, lol. Sadly, Squeeky passed away in 2007 due to a viral infection.

I miss my Kiki Wiki like crazy. I buried her last night at 6:00pm with my brother, my sister-in-law, my mom and my little girl Naty. It was a very nice burial service. I thank God that she is no longer in pain. I believe toward the end she was in a lot of pain. Rest in heavenly peace my beautiful mamas. I love you today, I love you tomorrow and most of all I love you FOREVER!!!!