♥ P.S I love You ♥

Dear Jimmy,

It's been exactly 2 1/2 years since you past away in my arms. I want to take this time to say I am so sorry for not being able to handle the situation better and give you the much needed CPR, that I was trained so many times to do. My mom keeps telling me that I am not in charge of life and death. Only God is and it was your time to go on that fateful day. I replay the events of January 1, 2007 over and over in my head every single day. I question what I could of done different if I would of just remained calm. What was I thinking? I am a god damn nurse trained in CPR for adults, children and infants. What I want to know is what killed you? This has been a big mystery that no one can solve. Was it a heart attack? Was is complications from pneumonia? Was is a stroke? I guess it doesn't matter. But I feel as if it was my fault that you died. I feel responsible because for 1 or 2 minutes I sat their on the bed yelling for mom. In that 2 minutes you were not breathing, nor did you have a pulse. Your eyes were dilated and had no life in them. I should of already given you the first 2 breathes of CPR. 911 was no help at all. It took the fire department, what seemed like 10 minutes to get to us and we live like 2 minutes from the fire station. You were flat lined even after several zaps of the paddles. I knew you were gone but they rushed you to the nearest ER anyway. I knew the second I looked into your eyes for dilation that you were gone. The life, the joy, the happiness, the hope, the excitement, the love that I once saw in your beautiful hazel eyes was gone. Your eyes were black.

I miss you so much my Jimmy Jim bear. When I first met you on November 30th 2000, you were full of life. You had a smile that went on for miles. You were bigger than life and all this came from a man that just had his leg amputated from below the knee, 1 month before. Most of my patients were cranky, drab individuals that hated everything about losing a limb. But not my Jimmy. You told me that day when I told you that I admired you for being so cheerful and positive, you said "This amputation was a blessing in disguise that gave me a reason to live again". You brought tears to my eyes. We connected that first day we met. Our eyes met one another and the rest is history. I do believe you are my soul mate Jimmy and I say "ARE" because I believe that your spirit lives on inside me. I still get butterflies in my tummy when I hear a song that we shared or I smell a scent that we loved or I see photographs of us doing all the things we loved to do before you got really sick =(. I feel your presence at times when I am at my most depressed down days when I can't control the tears not matter how hard I try, usually on a Friday night when Naty goes to her dad's house for the weekend and my mom goes to her church meeting and my dad is out doing his own thing with his AA friends and I am here all by myself. Believe it or not Jimmy, it's my own fault cause I wont let anyone in my life right now. I don't want friends around, cause I don't want to talk about you with others face to face. I can type about it and share this with the world but I won't talk about you to others.

Well my love I just wanted to write you a letter. Mainly to just get out some of this hurt and anger I feel out. I will love you forever. Until I see you again, my love, my life.

Love,

Your Wife,

Babe

PS: I love you =)